As an audience, how can we gauge if shes achieving her goal? And teacup dinosaur is riffing off of teacup dogs, which are tiny tiny dogs bred to be tiny which apparently can cost a lot and seem like the next evolution of the terrible handbag dogs. Currently Im working on a SP, sort of a palette cleanser before my next big writing project. Hes just about 10, so Im going to give it another year to let it still be fun before trying to urge him to take it more seriouslyif he wants to. Lastly was THE SHORT LIST. Some of my friends and relatives who purchased the novel, loved it, are now pressuring me to find out when the next ones coming. I really appreciate the feedback. My mom usually puts my scripts down after page one. A Lesson Before Dying: A Novel Are we getting Freddie Krueger or Dunning Krueger? It could have been anybody who happened upon that house. Too much on the nose exposition with no outside conflict or anything to mask it. Henry style! very curious. The distracting color fonts have already been criticized to death. I dont think the mask adds much to the story. Page 26. Thanks, Branko! And being constrained in any fashion where the flight instinct kicks in is terrifying. I would say he kills at least one of the teens, and turns a couple of them into zombies with his mask, and those teens kill the others. The issue, however, as several commenters have pointed out this weekend, is that it doesnt. This story really didnt capture my attention, sorry. Would be better if the person was arachnophobic and the monster were spiders THEN its their problem cranked up to 11. Being confident to play with format to accentuate stuff is okay if it has a logic to it. People can be judgy for weird reasons. etc. effectively. script Gravesite Crows its a masked Perhaps have him be more affected/scared. And in a way hes even likable. An eye-catching title for sure. Heres a space where it can. Especially since they arent Roarks wife or son. The Short List very well written but over written. Roarke By page 43 this question is the 300-lb gorilla in the room (which may be explained later) that for me dragged the forward progress of the story down. My experience with cops is they are tight lipped. The opening scene is a guy hand writing out invitations. Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace . . . I advice the writer to try get balls in the air plot wise. When the writing is good enough, which Tarantinos obviously is, no one cares. jumbo surrounding the masks mystique, really focus on making each teen The scene with Tanner and his mother watching Halloween was cringeworthy. even additional feedback is the very definition of being on a A number of folk are truly going above and beyond: a double-win if you will! Like some Calvin Candie shit. (15) Nothing feels fresh or creative. Page 20-21. 3. Theres still time to do the right thing. The core of your story is a mysterious scavenger of souls that Dr. Fenic is on the hunt for. I write multi-dimensional stories. Definitely helpful to hear what makes folks keep reading versus setting something down. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f68fe8b71d5a04d74cda4a96899b75e3a84d2ac4e4628708192794cc8da7e352.jpg. I could see this movie on the big screen. All the cakes look amazing I cannot wait to come back. First its gory, you could have the firemen tell Finch as the new guy that he has to clean the truck afterwards and they go into all the gory detail as to what that entails? These are all great notes, and I agree with all of them (though they bothered me less). With this phonecall, for me the story has shifted from Mia to Kate. Smart. As we know, a murder of crows is a term for a group of crows. Think he meant FASTER PUSSYCAT (STRIP CLUB). No strange noises, hes at the doorway, he can easily step out of the room. Are they near water? I want him to devoir, digest, and then regurgitate it. (Im now at page 90 or so and was not that far along when I suggested it). There are some genuinely creepy scenes at the house and all the firefighter stuff feels so authentic. If Carson decides on a double whammy, the second script would be Gravesite Crows its a nice mix-up of horror elements I could visualise on NetFlix. Wow. The crazy colored fonts and E.C. Beyond the text, there are deeper problems, in my view, too. So, just idiots all around. Out on page4/5 not a fan of Zoeys character/role. Maybe Im just easily confused. Let me see how they fail or how they should be better. This story reminded me of A QUIET PLACE without the monsters being attracted to sound. [Note: I can expand on this if wanted, maybe this is intentional]. Nada. My suggestion would be search for another twist. Just not my cup of tea all around, I guess. A few people have given me some great feedback, a couple of things Ive noticed and a few new to me. A new release on one of the streaming services. Speaking of My Dinner with Andre Man this scene has always spoken to me but even more now. Will it try and mate with its victims before they die too ? The one with the most unique concept, and thus the WINNER. But, I think you do and thats sad. It wouldnt seem out of place among any handful of slashers from the late 80s to early 90s. The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Recipes from an Accidental Country Girl Wow. Congrats to the FIVE writers that got picked. Like the blood on Ryans handsome face. I cant re what page, The concept is amazing, and make me cackle out loud. Im looking to make the villain in the story iconic. Mines easy. The first few paragraphs could be a bit clearer as to what were seeing. It wouldve been the perfect Netflix pick for the cold night coming up :/. Carson wasnt looking for smiling when he chose this script. He kills old people and children. If youre new to these parts, youre probably confused about whats going on here. Or getting worse? For those on the fence when it comes to slashers, Ive brought in some unique ideas and effects that have never been done before. Great writing with fight between Kate and Ryan. And you still have parent coaches. The last thing to come from Tom Hanks that I genuinely enjoyed. All mine!!! 911, 911 Lone Star, etc. I like the logline. When the group gets attacked together it breaks the idea for me. Craven character was written to honor Wes Craven, who directed: Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream. The story is essentially about a group of high-paid employees going to a boss Howard-Hughes-esque manor for a retreat where theyll be vying for a promotion. Meanwhile the one with the axe is being asked if its blood on that. We need to know more about origin and species. And odd they are shocked that a body has fallen out of the sky in Rome, when the news reported one had fallen in their own town. Page 36- seeing someone with horrid burns and eyeless sockets being described as watching, morbidly fascinated doesnt seem realistic. I like that EC wanted to add a little pizazz to his page, but I have to agree that the fonts and colors were distracting. 3. So what is the mask? I realize I was pretty harsh in my initial reaction based on just small sample size but in my defense, I have read a lot of Black List scripts that were more woke than entertaining. Feedback (free feedback at that) is invaluable. Horror is losing power, losing ability to perform as you might wish, some might say. Youre not wrong about the Short List its intro is nearly the same as Murder by Death from the 70s. I think I noted it, but the friend at the airport is particuarily in this vein. But she needs to agree to Fenics abusive retreat because shes at the end of her rope. 4. Good stuff. It seems like you have a justification for all feedback/criticism instead of listening and accepting feedback, but I would say this, if you want to change what most consider the norm of script formatting then at least do it in small doses. Finch earlier touched that lichen on the wall. At a minimum, a character calling someone Freddie Dunning Kreuger is a killer one line for something like Sucession, filled with witty horrible people. Didnt get that far if so. The first page is a mess. The color doesnt really bug me but I dont know about switching up fonts and colors in the same sentence. See if theres something more to this story then the colored attractors. I feel like I should be paying you for this level of detail. I made a bunch of claims. Lots of set up, which is fine for a mystery/thriller character piece, but not for straight horror. Remember: when people tell you somethings wrong or doesnt work for them, they are almost always right. (Id lose the whole assisted living stuff adds little to the story other than Joe scene). Nice dramatic irony. Reader, it was not! As for the other three scripts (ALONE, MY DINNER WITH ANDRE, and BLOODMOUTH) Im just one dude and I would bet there are fans of your scripts and/or concepts. I think you need to rewrite that. The KETO Ice Cream Scoop: 52 Amazingly Delicious Ice Creams I thought the opening was interesting: a monster attack on the clergy in church. Great idea. Give the description of the fox that crashed on the car before Mia and Elijah talk about it. Why would they just climb up on the roof without one? Wouldnt one be so freaked out that that it would show in their behavior for a good while after. Page 29. I think mentioning Kates sisters name is Rose on page 4 would be helpful. A new feature for this showdown, by the way, which Im sure youll all love. The text in your content seem to be running off the screen in Firefox. Just like ANDRE with the social media device, naming names of those pertinent to todays headlines personally makes me cringe, and frankly pulls me out of the narrative. how many drafts of this script have you done? Yeah good point about the lack of mystery surrounding the killers identity. ;), Im excited! The wife/son bit seems like filler. There are a lot of talky scenes that dont seem to accomplish much except entertain. This is the type of scene I paid my overpriced ticket and overpriced popcorn and drink for! At a minimum, the writer should make sure they have another script in a more serious register to be able to show that. Good luck to all 6 writers and thanks, Carson, for the fun weekend reads. I didnt feel that showing us a well-oil machine of a team doing everything perfect is a scene worth showing. Good stuff here. You gotta get those colors and weird fonts just right so they translate perfectly on screen. So, the apparition can be explained from the viewpoint of a nonbeliever in the supernatural in some way. Gravesite Crows: I thought I would be bothered by the strange formatting but the shock wears out quickly. Hmmm. And unfortuneatly, it held true. Also my goal was to really set up a post apocalyptic style atmosphere, and focus on the protags personal struggle. The last sequence in the script is off-the-chain nuts. To me, thats the key. It doesnt suffer from Genre Identity Disorder for the most part. What I suggest you do is get into your story quicker. E.C. He was on the line! I was wrong about the writer needing to do a ride along. But overall a great entry. Fun fact: The day my son was born last year I found out I was in that horror showdown too. Im part showman, man. This Rob Zombie song helps fuel their recklessness. Read to page 41 only due to time constraint Kinda like making every word count. [note: I think I made this observation pretty early p.17, when he has what is literally the most expensive bottle of wine ever, which also is actually undrinkable]. And thats part of the shamans masks mythology. Ive treated you with nothing but respect despite your near constant attacks on me. Is the cab soundproof? CINDER Wont people wonder what happened to them? Like she mispoke or had a typo that she didnt see could be misconstrued til the next day. If you simply play defense against notes and explain why you did it or why the Frits are wrong you are missing out on a great learning opportunity and a chance to better your script. Maybe we can discuss that over beers at The Shack. Why You Should Read: Horror, ironically, is where I seek comfort. Who thinks on this kind of level? * After FADE IN: you need a master shot heading. Liked the link between cannibal crows and, Im assuming, infecting the captive with the same bloodlust. You get a broad cross-section of clients in thererecovering addicts, schizophrenia, etc.all ages, and not all of them necessarily want to address their mental health issues, or even can. I do like the scene of her having a tough time even taking a step outside the house. Congrats to all the writers for making it on the Halloween Horror Showdown! NOTES on CINDER: I am especially proud of the three, Native American mentors: Hooper, Craven, and Carpenter. Excited to check out the contenders this weekend! So kudos for this. YOU PICK the best 10 pages from your script. Flinch just walks into a room and sees the silhouette. THAT is what Im talking about when I talk about revealing truth. More scenes like that and this can be a Black List or Blood List script very easily. Rather I implore a bevy of tricks to make a functioning mythology. dialogue exchanges arent conveying any pertinent info to keep things Seemed like characters with nothing to say talking for the sake of talking. By Andre not objecting to Zoey writing down what he just shared about his sadistic father, it telegraphs too much that he might ever be letting her go. But, I like her drinking because later on Ill suggest to amp up the drinking. To start with, its a strong concept. Or the way Jigsaw lays out his whole life philosophy in Saw. Its kind of the feeling I got from the first of BLOODMOUTH. I think Carson talks about this in one of his recent posts. Let me be clear. Really appreciate it. I get the sense that the writer is maybe trying to channel Vasquez from ALIENS; but in that story, shes a marine and badass. In the meantime, very well done for being selected and Good Luck!. The description is asking too much of our imagination. For instance you dont stifle a mouth. There are many things that others love, but I dont care for. Hope to see the review next friday! Methland: The Death and Life of an American Small Town https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d243d7ebc60e835f6a2f87248f4ea22733ce1161fe414d68a2413bad82bc2b15.jpg. Your title is a big deal. I was more bothered by the amount of typos in the script. Rather, I try to fuse where we are now with a vision for the future. The atmosphere. Ricky bytes Tanner. If it is relevant to the story, I suggest making what she does clearer. He likely would have looked up anyway. ^that was super abrupt. I like the hint that a sexual and intimacy component may be at some root of their dysfunction. Original affects. Ive got an in-depth response to your 1st (and probably biggest criticism). Sounds like youve got an ultra low budget, found footage horror story in the vein of The Blair Witch Project. In a gimmicky business, maybe it will work if the story is strong. I really, really appreciate it! 8p. God loves a trier, and so does Carson by the looks of things. To quote Neil Young (sort of), at least I burned out. Brooks has to yell at Lawson that they need his help to get the guy out of the car. Its about representation. What is this red stuff stained inside? Dried blood of the Indian who was killed. Ew, gross. or Yeah, right.. Not good. Ill try to read more of your script, and give you some notes with a focus on improving your script. LOGLINE: All told through first person POV. And then that twist revealed, ok, thats *exactly* what this movie is. On Gravesite Crows, the writing is actually pretty good, but that style is it wasnt for me. I quite like your writing too. This script must have gotten you some cool meetings?? Im drawn to Alone for its timely concept, and the clever idea of demonizing a phobia, but its problematic opening has given me committment anxiety. Ive given them all a read in varying degrees, I didnt dislike any of them in truth. Even if youre not a fan of slashers. Scott! What are we missing? It adds almost nothing and subtracts greatly from the screenplay. Im not fishing but am curious. Simple. My son dove in there with about 5 other kids and came out with it. flying, the backhoe crashing into the home la John Carpenters The I keep it all internal or just complain to other like minded parents away from the field, but all these thoughts did make me realize Im becoming THAT DAD in some ways. Notes for SHORT LIST: I was never clear. Relatable beyond the diagnosis of these residents to our everyday lives. She pulls the bell for a stop and it doesnt ring, but she doesnt want to shout to the driver to let him know she wants off because the passenger will notice here there all alone. Page 27. And I have a good excuse I was taking the time to crack Congrats to all the writers selected for the Halloween AOW. Hi E.C. I go through all the loglines and pick my favorite five. I thought if these were all playing in the theater (fingers crossed) which would I choose for my Saturday night and Alone would be my ticket. I think you need to sell the monster in your story more, because a woods rescue in and of itself isnt enough of an attention grabber, imo. Our writer could easily have had them play for something important to James. Im unclear why Lawson is knocking on the door. Maybe dog is at window staring out. Spend time in railway stations. The Detective in the Dooryard: Reflections of a Maine Cop Just realize that now other people are starting to read the story and form opinions for themselves, so if I were you Id give them the chance to read the story and form their own conclusions. That means a lot to me especially since I dont think slasher is your genre of choice. Maybe the haze inside should be seen first and then he knocks. I did some things with the villains mask that have NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE. Really great concept. Theres a nice quiet dread to it, the pills in the potpourri is a nice touch but looking back after its finished, the construction could be built on simpler notions instead of mystery? But when you consider what you should spend a lot of time on in order to get your script noticed, youve got 3 things at best: your logline, your opening page and your title. My vote is split between Cinder and My Dinner With Andre. I guess the reason it bothers me is we havent seen Mia suffer yet. If this script does sell I can always strip it down and provide a more technical blueprint minus the artistic touches. After that Debbie Downer moment (well, not about the cannibal part). I put in the work, and have the story and screenplay to back it. Finally, want to leave a quote from Neil Gaiman that really resonated with me, especially when shifting my own process on critiquing others work: Still, what did you like about this script? ALONE had me hooked from the start, and I stayed with it all the way through to the end. p 13 Wood should in brown, not green!!!!! I like Finch seeing the embarrassing moment of Brookss life and Brooks storming off and trying to throw picture away, but missing. At one point in his his life he had a girlfriend and a son he adopted as his own, and three friends on the reservation. 5. Its a horror movie. Im not a big fan of social media stories. I owe it to you to make sure you understand this story fully. Can we have some indication the doctor is familiar with this room? If it won the showdown, Im pretty sure that Carsons notes would not vary greatly from mine. Thanks so much for giving CINDER a chance! But the passion should be there for EVERY genre showdown, be it comedy, sci-fi or (fingers) action. What hope is there for people in therapy if their diagnosis confines them to a mental institution. You wouldnt write a Jackie Robinson movie and describe the protagonist with a line like the hulking n*gga steps up to the plate, glowering at the pitcher. Because, duh, its racist. If shes stalked by a supernatural force when shes alone then why would she think a retreat would help her conquer her fear? Found insideHowdy Homemade Ice Cream (2670 S. 2000 E., 801/410-4302, www.howdyslc.com [URL inactive], noon-9pm Mon.-Sat., $3.50 for single scoop) makes dozens of tempting flavors from scratch every day, including a line of flavors infused with soda A little The Fog. Thanks! Proposed title change for the cannibal script: MY DINNER WITH ARMIE! Happy Halloween Scriptshadow community! That visual will have more impact, and then, you can have the two speculating on how the fox got there. Sometimes it takes a while to understand a script. Nice twists and reversals. All she wanted was a little fun with another man. estate for a weekend retreat of some sort. Then again, Tina Fey in any movie is a great idea. Why I picked it: Anxiety has become a much bigger problem in society since the pandemic so I was drawn to a story about anxiety, and I liked the clever twist of the group anxiety making the monster even stronger. Ive never known anyone to cut themselves on the shattered glass of their phone, but if it truly does happen, great, good idea to use that here. I like the splat with Kate. hadn't,putting,dark,self,owe,using,ice,helping,normal,aunt,lawyer,apart,certain,plans,jax,girlfriend,floor,whether,everything's present earth box cover judge upstairs sake mommy possibly worst station acting accept blow strange saved conversation plane mama yesterday lied quick lately stuck report difference rid store Jenny is a Realtor. It seems that the supernatural force should rear its ugly head AFTER shes started to make progress of being okay to be alone. It serves no purpose, other than showing us the electric fence. Anythings possible. Tainted Seas is the sometimes hilarious, sometimes heart-breaking story of a passionate couple coping with tragedy, and the continuing journey of a woman dedicated to justice for military families shattered by the very institutions they
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